THE ONE I SHOULD BE
VICTORITA DUTU
THE ONE I SHOULD BE
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It is as if I were
Divided into two parts
As if a lightening
Penetrated the rock
The rock would break
Half of it would stand out
Against the dark sky,
The other half would crumble down
Falling in blocks in the valleys,
In the rivers…
Half of the rock springing up
In the darkness,
The other half rolled
To the border of tracks
Beaten by the human race.
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My words
Shout inside me
Like the sounds of a piano
On which I have fallen
Afraid of a dream.
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Me…
The life….
I was floating
And someone
Was holding my hand
Above
The chaos!
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He was floating
On a curve
His hands were infinite lines
That reached
The eye of God, eternally open.
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The sights are only an apparent fire
I see it as I see an illusion
A shouted word
That is
The empty sound
Of the desert.
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I can hear the fire burning
I can hear the whistling of the flames,
The cracking of the embers,
The lights are burning….
I hear the sound,
The fire is burning in the fireplace,
Outside the snow is falling silently.
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I don`t know what made me today
Resemble to a violet tree
In blossom
Having green and blue flowers
And it seemed that
Through each leaf
The wind was whispering me
The word
Whose meaning
I could not utter.
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The words are
Only a ladder
On which we step
Like the sights
That can reach the distance
In a moment.
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Half of myself would not live
But would stay numbed on the grass
This half would see nothing
Of what happens in the world
My mouth would seem to be tongue-tied
My ears would seem to be deaf
Could I not hear the shout of the light
Its scream of pain
While sank into a deep sleep
Which is not faint?
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I am like the mountain
Which is ready to crumble down
Only a wonder
Keeps it upright.
At the foot of the mountain
There are only clouds
And me alone wandering through the trees
I should look for the ladder
Hidden in the middle of the abyss,
To get to the peaks.
To get to the clouds.
What makes me reach
The top of the mountain ?
I still believe that there
The gate of the skies is open
And I must hang my ladder on it.
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You must answer me
You must show me the sense
The sense of words
The impenetrable meaning
Inside which I find myself
And where I run,
I run with wide open arms.
*************************
The child inside me
Doesn`t fall anymore
Tripping over the things of the world
The child inside me
Has found his freedom.
**************************
The lands were renewing through fire,
The red lava was burning
And everything was enveloped
In the light of the flames !
***************************
Where was He
When my time was dying ?
I heard Him calling me
Through vast chaotic spaces
And His words resonated:
“What are you afraid of ?”
“Why don`t you trust Me?”
“Why do you doubt ?”
“Why are you week ?”
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I felt that my soul was dying
Because of so much heat,
Because of so much light
That consumed me,
That hurt my sight, my heart !
I fainted away.
And while the earth
Had become a volcano
I was floating and
He was holding my hand
Above the chaos !
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Had I died or
Had I raised from the dead ?
Something was resonating inside me.
From the abyss I heard :
“Why don`t you trust Me ?”
“Why do you doubt ?”
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Half of a flame
Burnt down over the flowers
The branches fell down all ablaze
On the burning ground.
The earth was on fire
The stars burnt
The dreams…. The dreams….
The other half of the fire was flying
Wings grew where it touched the ground
Wings grew facing the moon
Wings grew where it was flying
Moving foolishly
It stroke the other half
All the earth caught fire
And in this sacrifice burning
The flame rounded off.
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The angel`s face darkened
When the air of the world was raising,
The trees bent their leaves to the sky
And the dream was reigning everywhere.
The light had pierced three sheets of ice:
The first was yellow, the second blue,
And the last, close by the world,
Was black, spotted with the green blood
Of the dead flowers.
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There is somewhere a line
That must be pierced by light
It must have a sound.
From tine to time something is heard
At the gates of the heart.
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Fly
And wings
Wings of angel….
Fire… fire… fire…
The eyes were burning,
My eyes had turned into blue
Sky… sky… sky…
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The star shined
The light sparkled
It sparkled in the eye
And I saw the eye
The eyes…
Something inside me is secretly calling,
Is secretly calling for him.
*****************************
You who are a red shadow
Beamed with sun rays,
The hollows of Your wounds
Against the horizon,
Give me the key of Your love,
Be the guide of my thoughts,
Let me stay in the light
Of Your sights.
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Why is the olive tree
Stretching over the graves ?
Why the branches of the cypress
Withered while waiting for You ?
Why I don`t hear Your steps
Detaching from the clouds ?
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The sky got dark
And I don`t know where I am.
Come to the place where I lost myself
Come and find me,
You must find me
Inside the forgetfulness.
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My hands caught fire
And hurt me.
My thoughts hurt me bitterly
And the eternal word
Cannot be born
Inside me.
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Inside me the grief labours
Like a plough in the furrow of soul
Sowing the seed of love.
How painful is it for me
When each furrow detaches itself
In my flesh and when
Tears of white blood flow
Receiving the word
Of Your eternal love.
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How deep my forgetfulness is
Until Your word becomes
Eternal flower inside me,
Until Your seed
Will spring up inside me,
Until the plough of life
Will engrave inside me
Your eternal words,
Until my white blood
Will flow in streams
From which my flowers will feed,
Will grow and blossom.
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Will I live until You
Coming down Your blue skies
Drawing near my mind
Will walk in the freshness of the evening
Through the trees and the flowers
Which grew on my body ?
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The red tears of the sun
Poured out on my heart.
I listened to their rippling
In the river of my thoughts.
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It died away.
The sound of the tear died away
And the sky remained deserted of tears,
Deserted of crosses,
Of raised hands, of wings.
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My hands were still.
My cheeks were cold and hollow.
“Hi !” , I heard a voice asking me
“Whom do you love ?”
“I don`t know”, I answered.
“Love is mystery”.
He asked me once again:
“Whom do you love ?”
And once again I answered “I don`t know”.
He kept and kept silent.
Night was falling
And He asked me once again
“Whom do you love ?”
I kept silent.
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Everything is silent.
I kept quiet and I heard
The rippling of the sun rays.
After a long time
I started weeping
With blood tears
Raising my hands to the stars:
“Where are You, my Lord ?”
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Try to write
And hear you writing.
Try to walk
And hear you walking.
Try to see and hear
Your sight.
Try to weep
And crush your bitter tears.
Try to do everything you want
And don`t have doubts
About the world inside you.
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Try to go on
And let the thought vibrate
Inside you.
Overcome your fear
And your idleness through effort
Try to cry when you cannot go on
And after that you will laugh.
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You must find some time
What you are really looking for.
Don`t let yourself led astray
By your thoughts,
Try to go on
And find what is inside you.
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Have you heard the Voice
In some sunless morning ?
Have you looked without realizing
The star from above ?
It`s the shepherd`s star
That lightens the gate,
It`s the icy cross
That captures the light
Of our dreams.
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Evening enveloped in smoke.
The stars are singing
The sound of the vesper bell
Is like a symphony
The soul is raising itself to the dream.
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How great is the silence,
How impressive is the carol,
How moving is the voice,
How dark is the night !
Everything around
Is only vapour
Issued
From God`s universality.
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The words…
The words are not enough for me
Anymore.
I stop to utter a word
And my heart beats silently,
My mind refuses to think,
My eye can see something
But it can say nothing to me,
It only looks in silence.
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I keep silent because
I forgot to pronounce
Words of nonsense.
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The distance
The distance is somewhere inside me
As a sign and a voice together
The distance is inside me
Very near
I seem to touch the horizon
With my hand
And caress it.
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I should caress the horizon
As I should dip my thumb
In a drop of water
Springing from the heart of the earth
And flowing
The distance is somewhere
In the heart of the horizon
And the fire inside me
Had overrun it all
Only with one sight.
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I look at the horizon
But I see nothing.
Only blue sky, that`s all.
I keep quiet because
I am the only one who looks.
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My words seem to be
Only faded colours
I seem to look in the distance
And I want to see
How He draws near me.
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Somewhere I am hidden
I don`t know anymore where I am
The universe of my thoughts
Makes me shiver.
The stars make me dizzy.
What quietness under these stars
That glitter,
The universe says nothing to us
Only we, the human race, continue to speak
Saying nonsense.
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What silence, what rejecting peace!
All this quietness in Your creation
Makes me freeze,
If You wouldn`t exist, if You wouldn`t exist
To raise my thoughts towards You,
What should I do during so many years
Of loneliness?
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I can see the blue sky at day time,
At night I can see the sky full of stars;
I can see the cloudy sky during the storm
And the sun rays behind the clouds
Running towards me.
I can see the forest lying in the horizon
And the high grass which does not accept
My shy steps.
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Beyond all the things I can see
I cannot find
The One I am looking for.
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You who created the clouds
And the rain
You who created the forests,
The sky and the stars
Where are You ?
Where are You ?
How shy are the flowers
When I walk near them
How clear are the waters,
The springs and the fountains
How glittering are all these !
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Where are You
Who created all things of Nature,
All things that surround me
And in the middle of which
I live;
Where are You
Who created all this?
***********************
How beautiful are all the flowers around me
The lilies of the valley, how white are they!
How green and sharp and long
Are their leaves!
You who created this wonder of flower
Where are You, where are You?
And You, You who loves
And who created all this
Where are You as I am not afraid
Of walking through this desert world ?
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Near a fountain
Someone is staying the head bent,
Propped up on his arms.
Who could be the one who is staying
With closed eyes, with eyes full of tears ?
I sat down by Him and I kept silent
And all the questions had disappeared.
